Rule #7 - Learn to Forgive Yourself

People ask me what it's like to face my fears. Is it like staring down a tiger? Is it like going to battle perhaps?

In my mind's eye, I once envisioned conquering a fear would be like needing to take a leap of faith across a ravine that was so deep, you couldn't see the bottom. And the area was so full of mist, that one could not see the other side. Regardless, you still needed to make that leap and just had to trust that the wings on your back were enough to carry you over.

However, facing fear is not like that either - I think facing your fears is like looking yourself in the mirror.

Think about it: the person looking back at you is the only person in the entire world who knows everything about you. S/he knows your every secret and your every thought. There's no hiding, there's no lying. S/he has seen you naked in every sense of the word - physically, mentally and spiritually. There's no hiding from yourself... and that can be a scary thing.

Fears are illusions; they are manifestations from your own mind, in order to protect yourself. So when you face a fear, you are in essence, facing yourself.

My morals and my actions are all guided by one basic premise - the ability to hold my head up high and be able to meet my own gaze in the mirror unflinchingly. To me, there is nothing worse than disappointing myself. Nothing. It's the worst feeling and there's no hiding it from myself. I'm my best friend and biggest critic - I don't want to disappoint myself. I mention this because giving ourselves forgiveness is often one of the hardest things we do. And sometimes, it just manifests itself into a fear.

My greatest, deepest, darkest fear is relationships. The type of phobia you wake up screaming from nightmares about it. Really, it's more like 5 fears wrapped up into one (fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, fear of vulnerability, fear of losing self and fear of losing control), which makes it quintuply hard to conquer (but not impossible). I've read what others have written on the topic and they say, by far, it's the hardest thing they've ever had to overcome. Some, it takes them 20 years...and some never do.  It's so difficult that for the longest time, I kept it because it protected me. It protected me from pain and heartache. I think emotional pain hurts far worse than any physical pain. Physical pain I can handle; emotional pain I cannot. So I built it and kept building, like a giant fortress around me. Even though I was a Fear Conqueress, it was just too big to handle and too scary to face. Maybe I didn't want to face it.

I've always kept it a secret, mostly out of embarrassment - come on, I ride roller coasters, go ziplining, fly airplanes and run obstacle courses, but I can't have a simple relationship like everyone else? What kind of Fear Conqueress am I? And you always hear of men having these problems, what the hell is wrong with me??

I've mentioned before that you need to be ready to get rid of a fear before you are able to conquer it and although I don't think I'm quite ready, I did feel a crack in the foundation of that fortress shift this past weekend, after facing the fear head-on and letting go just a little bit. Another step is being able to come clean about it so it doesn't quite have the same hold on me anymore. And yet, another small step is forgiving myself for the past.

Part of my fear with relationships is being unable to trust myself and forgive myself for the past. All those times I didn't see a Jerk before it was too late and all I was left with was holding the pieces of my broken heart in my hands. All those times I didn't see the signs until after. All those times I saw the signs and didn't heed them. All those times I let myself get hurt because I was too scared to act. All those times I stayed in a bad situation because I didn't think I was good enough for anything else.

What's done is done and there's no going back... unfortunately and fortunately. "Unfortunately" - because it was horrible, "fortunately" because I wouldn't be me without it all happening. and I wouldn't change that for the world. I love me exactly the way I am now- bruises, scars and all, and wouldn't change me for the world.

So, from this day forth, you are forgiven, Heather. Forgiven for everything you thought you did wrong and thought you did to cause the pain. It wasn't your fault and I don't blame you for what happened. You did nothing wrong.

"For what I've done, I start again,
whatever pain may come,
today this ends.
I'm forgiving what I've done.

I'll face myself to cross out what I've become,
Erase myself and let go of what I've done."