No Boundaries

My neighbors were robbed at gunpoint last night around 9pm in the parking lot in front of our building. Not only did this happen so close to me, but I'm usually getting back from teaching a class around 9pm on Tuesday nights. That could have easily been me.

Am I scared? Not a bit - more cautious though. I feel bad for my neighbors and did everything I could for them. But scared for myself? No. I recognize how scary it was and how close it happened to me, but my brain now recognizes that having such a fear is pointless.

Instead, I went to the office at my apartment complex today and asked what could be done. We're setting up a neighborhood watch in the complex, maybe one in each building. The manager said the people in my building already look out for one another, but I think we need to take it up a notch. We need to get to know one another and it'll be easier to tell when a stranger is walking around. Plus, it's just good for social interaction anyways.

After talking with the manager, I headed home and reflected (quite amused, I might add) about how I've really lost my mind. Next thing I know, I'll be running around the complex in my Supergirl outfit, like these people.

This isn't like me. Although, since I started the "Do One Thing a Month that Scares Me" experiement as New Year's Resolution in January of 2009, not much surprises me anymore. When I was a kid, I was scared of EVERYTHING, even my own shadow. My mom said that once and I'm not kidding when I say it really did describe me.

I was scared of dogs. I was scared of fast movement. I was scared of talking on the phone. I was scared of the dark.  I ran from doctors and fainted at the sight of blood. My mom didn't show me scary movies because I'd get terrible nightmares from watching them. I couldn't ride on roller coasters because I'd get motion sickness. And the list goes on and on.

As I grew up, I was always determined not to let these stupid "fears" hold me back. It wasn't easy - for talking on the phone, I had to write down my conversations ahead of time. And no, I'm not joking. I was sooo afraid of messing up what I wanted to say and was embarrassed by it. I'd frequently trip over words or combine words or some nonsense like that. After much practice with talking with a 'script' (and realizing how annoying it was to change said script when the person on the other end of the phone wouldn't follow it), I felt a bit better about using the phone. I also realized that everyone flubs up words and it's not such a big deal. If anything, it ends up giving everyone a chuckle.

The mere sound of a dog barking a mile away would cause me to climb up the nearest thing to me - whether that was a tree, a car or a person. I'd run, scream and just generally have a panic attack/fit when one came near me. I was 21 and not as fearful, but still very, very nervous around dogs. I went to a pet store and was handed a cute little pomerainian puppy. He seemed so helpless and wasn't scary at all. I held him and he slept on me. I feel hopelessly in love with him and ever since then, my head turns towards the sound of a dog barking. I run towards it so I can find the puppy and play with him. I didn't end up adopting that puppy at the pet shop that day, but I did end up adopting another dog shortly after - my Nikki. She's a bit bigger than a Pom, but she's my Partner-in-Crime. I'm thankful for each day with her and tell her how lucky I am to have her. I wasn't too sure about her at first, but we quickly warmed up to one another. I couldn't imagine my life any other way. She guards me (from dishwashers and balloons) and I protect her when there's a thunder storm. I'm not sure what I'd do without her in my life.

The fear of fast movement made learning to drive quite a challenge. I hated it. There were many fights with my parents, which included lots of yelling and crying. I didn't end up getting my license until I was 18 years old. I finally got the hang of it when I stopped picturing myself and the car as seperate entities. I could manage much better picturing the car and the road as an extension of me.

These were all things that happened before I made my resolution. Come January of 2009, I decided that I deserved better for myself and wanted to work on my confidence issues, among other things. At the time, I didn't connect (lack of) confidence with fears. I had many resolutions - one to become more confident, the other to do one thing a month that scared me. Now this very resolution alone scared me, so I made a disclaimer - the one thing that scared me was something that could not hurt me. Figured that was a good place to start. It made it easier to take that first step. So that ensured that the scary thing was nothing wild like jumping out of a plane, but just little things.

It's one of THE best things I've ever done for myself. I wish I had kept better track of everything I did, so I was able to share all of them., but I didn't I honestly had no idea it would become as big as it did. I was so pleased with the results that I made it my resolution again for 2010... and again for 2011.

Now, I kept pushing that limit. No longer is there a stipulation that I only do things that can't hurt me. I mean, I don't go out and jump in front of a car or anything, but have done things in which some amount of risk was involved. Plus, when I started, it was sooo hard to do one 'scary' thing a month. Sometimes the month was ending and I realized I hadn't done anything yet. It was like cramming for a test, but still a good motivation. Now I've lost track of how many times I've done something 'scary' within the time period of a month. And lately, it's been basically every weekend.

One thing you learn about conquering your fears - it's addictive. It just gives you such a boost to your self-confidence and people just look at you in complete awe. You start by craving that and before long, you thrive on it. You accomplish something, ride that high for awhile and then wait to try something else after you come down. After awhile. once a month just isn't enough. You don't want to wait to come down before trying something else. You want to stay in an elevated mode all the time.

So 2011 was a turning point for me. I had been on fear "training wheels" for two years, per se. 2009 didn't involve any risk (unless you count the risk of growing outside my circle). I quickly learned that nothing was as bad as it seemed. Not only did I end up learning something new (if only about myself), it was quite enjoyable, too. Plus, I had a 100% success rate - EVERY thing I did resulted in success, even if it was the success that I had set out to achieve. 2010 involved a little bit of risk - I found out that I had to have sinus surgery. But I comforted by the fact that I had built up a year before of facing my fears and was prepared for it. 2011 started with doing the things I never thought I could do, but always wanted to do.

I started a 'bucket list' of sorts of things I've always wanted to do but haven't done yet. It didn't matter what they were or how much they cost or the likihood of ever accomplishing them. And it didn't only include things I was afraid of - that list was quickly growing shorter and shorter. It included some really BIG things that require a lot of preparation and some other things that all I needed to do was to walk out my door.

All of this from making that New Year's Resolution back in the end of 2008. All of this from just waking up one day and deciding that I deserved better for myself. That's really all it took - a new mindset and the willingness to take that first step.

My cousin, Wendy, once said "Fear keeps us where we are". And the first step in getting rid of fears is just a willingness to move where we let fear keep us so long.