Rule #2 - Love Conquers All Fear

The biggest thing I have discovered in all of this was that love is the secret to conquering fears. In the last entry, I wrote about my experiences in the dark and looking at dead bodies. My love for knowledge and wanting to learn propelled me to go through with it. Had I not had an interest, then I very well may not have made it through.

I wrote about my dog, Nikki, in the first entry. My love for her definitely helped me get over my fear of dogs.

I discovered that love was answer early on in my experiment, but I didn't realize until more recently that there was a certain kind of love was the strongest in combating fear -the love of oneself. Loving the subject matter or the activity certainly helps, but having the confidence to trust yourself to be strong enough to get through something and to be able to do anything you put your mind to will cause you to soar to new heights.

And if you think about it, that's EXACTLY what fear is - lack of trust, lack of confidence, lack of love. Mainly with yourself. But it goes without saying that if you lack those things with yourself, then you will probably lack them with other people, too. Love yourself and you will shine through the darkness of fear.

It hit me one day, suddenly. I was having a fantastic day doing some sort of fear conquering. I came home, exhausted and drained, but happy. I was just soo over the moon with happiness and was being giggly silly. Happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I looked so happy and just positively goofy, which made me laugh and say out loud to myself: "I love you". I was taken aback at first - what an odd thing to say to yourself, but it was true... I don't think I've ever said that to myself before that. But it was true.

Shortly after that, I realized that believing in myself and that love for myself would get me through anything. Hard to hold fear in your heart when it is overflowing with love.

I've always been intrigued by high ropes courses. I think we took a field trip to one when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I sat and watched other kids go up on these ropes and walk wayyyyyyy up high. And I DID try to do it... really, I did. But just chickened out. Saw the high ropes course at Stone Mountain a few years ago. It looked interesting, but my knees started to shake and I was unable to move.

In the beginning of 2011, I made a list of the remaining fears I wanted to conquer. Fear of Heights was one of them. I made a trip back to that high ropes course at Stone Mountain to conquer it. There were 3 levels to it - beginner, intermediate, advanced. I told myself that I just needed to clear the first level (Rule #1 - start small). I got suited up with a harness (a kid's one due to my size!!) and made my way onto the course. My knees shook, I thought about turning back around. The little girl next to me burst into tears and they had to help her down. I felt the same way inside. And I was indeed nearly that little girl.

I nearly didn't make it past the first bridge, let alone the first level. I was scared out of my mind. My palms sweated, my knees shook. It took a lot of trying to psyche myself up to take that first step. And it was so draining having to do that the first few bridges. One of the workers there had to help me across one. A parent was there with her kid and she was frozen like I was. We cheered each other on. I remembered what I learned about loving myself. I tugged on the harness - it wasn't going anywhere. This whole thing might have looked dangerous, but it was a controlled danger. Almost no risk at all. I wasn't going to get hurt. Besides, this is what I came here for. Think of that amazing feeling at the end - the feeling of accomplishment and doing something I didn't think I could ever do.

Two bridges left and I was getting a momentum. This wasn't as bad as I thought. Just gotta begin with a single step. Must have mind and body in sync. Need the right mindset to take that first step and need the body to keep itself moving. I finally made it to the end of the first level. We had the option of going onto the 2nd level. Adrenaline was pumping. Let's go for it!

The second level was easier than the first. Not sure why. Maybe because it was further off the ground and easier for the mind to register that you weren't so high up (odd, I know). I wouldn't say I passed the second level with ease - after all, it was still a lot of work to make it through these bridge puzzles made of wood and rope. But I made it to the end of the second level. Also, up until this point, there were two pathways to choose on each one - one harder than the other. Sometimes I took the more challenging path, sometimes not. My main goal was just to make it through.

One level left to go - the advanced. The 3rd level. Would be such a shame to make it this far and tell everyone that I stopped here. Up I go! Now the 3rd level had no choice. You needed to make it through each puzzle to get to the end. I made it this far; I can do this! I was an old hat at this now.

At the end of the course, then was one final "bridge". All of the rest of them had wooden walkways beneath them as an added support. The final bridge consisted of ropes only - 5 rope swings dangled from the support above.

I watched a few people (and little kids!) go across. The trick seemed to get both feet into the swing with even weight distribution and use their weight to swing to the next rope swing. I took a deep breath and decided to go for it. The first rope swing was just an uncomfortable distance out of reach and the first step down was wayyy below the platform I was comfortably perched on. I had planned to take one step, center myself and place the next foot. However, after placing one foot, it was difficult to place the other and that damn swing kept going back and forth. No stability here. Half of me was on the swing, the other half still on the platform. My heart raced and I retreated for the safety of the platform, having to have someone drag me back up there because I was dangling.

I let a father and his son cross. Had to catch my breath and slow my heart rate down.I watched them get across, took a deep breath and tried again, trying two feet this time. I could only manage to get one foot on the rope, but I had intended two feet, so my other foot was in the air, throwing me off balance. I fell. I hung there for a minute and freaked out. I couldn't seem to get back into the rope swing or back on the platform.

Finally made it back to the platform, heart pounding and all. I just couldn't do it - I was too freaked out. There was an easier path out - the one I came in on. I asked if I could take that path. I was ashamed. Felt a little like I had failed. I tried thinking that I made it further than I had intended, so it was still a win in that sense and came REALLY far considering I didn't even think I'd make it past the first challenge.

I walked down and removed my harness. There, I was greeted by an unexpected surprise. A woman stepped in front of me and says "I was watching you".

I blinked and was taken a bit aback. Who was this woman and why was she watching me? She continued: "I didn't think you'd make it past the first level, being as scared as you were, but there you were at the top level. I couldn't believe it." 

And then it hit me, this was the mother I met on the first level. The one who was as scared as I was. I smiled and asked her if she made it through. "No way, I finished the first level and that was enough for me. I came down and saw you up there. I couldn't believe it, so I had to watch to see if you would make it through."

I was so touched by this, but had to admit to her that unfortunately I didn't make it all the way through. But she knew - she had watched that, too. She was impressed I had kept trying though. Said her boys made it all the way through and said that rope swing one was the hardest one up there. She just kept praising me for keeping going and getting up that high. I felt a bit brighter. That was the stroke that my ego needed.

So I made not have made it, but rest assured Stone Mountain High Ropes Course, I will go back one day and complete the entire course.

"Rejoice and love yourself today, 'cuz baby, you were born this way!" - Lady Gaga

Rule #1 - Start small and build up your momentum

I may not remember all of the 'scary' things I did over the years, but the very first one still stands out in my memory - going to see the "Dialog in the Dark/Bodies" Exhibition.

I've had a fear of the dark ever since I could remember - I'd seriously freeze in place if the lights were shut off on me. I've attempted over the years to feel more comfortable in the dark, but wearing a blindfold and feeling my way around somewhere familiar, like my apartment. I had also mentioned in the previous post about my fainting at the sight of blood.

But I was curious to see this exhibition. The "Dialog in the Dark" was an interactive exhibit to show people what it was like to be blind. You walk through different simulated situations as though you were blind - in the pitch black, armed with only a guide (who is truly blind) and a walking stick. Quite an amazing experience.

The Bodies Exhibit was real bodies on display, showing off different parts of the body.

Now I was fascinated by both of these and wanted to see them, but was conflicted with trepidation. It was a traveling exhibit and wouldn't stay in my city for long. I had just made my resolution and needed something 'scary' to kick off the year. I knew it was a controlled environment and I knew it would not hurt me, just like my disclaimer in my resolution (Do scary things that will not hurt me).

Could I fall down in the dark? Yes, possibly. Would I faint at the sight of the bodies? Maybe. Could happen, yes. Likely? Maybe not. These 'what if' worrisome questions pop up to block you. You mind senses you are going through stress and wants to prevent you from going through it. The trick with overcoming fear is to tell yourself that such 'what if's' are pointless. Thank your brain for looking out for you, but know ultimately that you will be okay. Switch those worrisome "what if's" to positive "what if's" - "what if I actually enjoy this?". "What if I actually learn something from this?" or "What if I regret this if I never do it?"

That was one of the biggest questions I've used as my guide - "Will I regret this tomorrow if I don't take the opportunity now?". If the answer to that question is a resounding "YES!", then you need to go for it.

I remember being nervous on the way down there. A bit of nervous-worry and a bit of nervous-excitement. We had to take off any loose items (including glasses) and put them into a locker. I remember asking, "Glasses too? How am I supposed to see?", much to their enjoyment. We were handing walking sticks and got into line to go in. The butterflies were doing jumping jacks at this point. I really wanted to turn around. I had the thought in my head that I couldn't do this, but I told myself that I already bought the ticket and I COULD do this, that this would be fun. The doors opened and we walked in side. We took a seat into a dimly lit room and the lights started to go down. I'm sure I was sweating bullets.

I then did all I could do - take one step at a time. I think I had a death grip on that walking stick as I moved around. Then I heard my other group members and guide introduce themselves - I realized I was not alone. We were all in this together and perhaps they weren't as scared as I was, but we were all thrown into a situation that was unknown to us. This was unfamiliar to all of us and we kept bumping into one another. Embarrassing at first, but then you realize that no one did it on purpose and that we were all going to do it (multiple times!), so it didn't matter. Besides, you kind of made friends that way -
*BUMP!*
  "Oh...excuse me."
  "Oh, no problem. Hi, what's your name?"
"Heather. What's yours?"
"John. Nice to meet you, Heather."
"Nice to meet you too!"

And it would continue until you got up and personal with everyone in the group:
*BUMP!*
"Sorry!"
"It's okay. Oh, John, is that you?"
"Why yes it is! We need to stop meeting like this."

The atmosphere was light and joking. I'd say there were smiles all around, but I couldn't see. There was definitely laughter - and lots of it. Not at the beginning, mind you. At first, we were scared and clung to one another, but by the second or third room, we became quite comfortable and moved more around on our own. We began to play and explore.

The whole experience was less about appearances and more about getting to know someone under the surface. I think it was easier to "see" someone's true persona this way. It was a lot harder to hide who you were in the dark, oddly enough... I discovered lots of contradictions that day.

The second part of that day was the Bodies exhibit. It was so fascinating to see things that normally but doctors get to see. More interesting than any textbook. I do have to admit that I did have to sit down about halfway through. Was looking at the nerves and nervous system and felt a little queasy. But I'm not ashamed. I sat down for a few minutes and caught my breath before continuing through the end. I made it all the way through and learned a lot about myself in the process (and not just parts of the body and how to get by in the dark!).



And that's the best part about working through your fears - the feeling of doing something that you never thought you could do. It does wonders for your confidence and makes you feel on top of the world. I've experienced that feeling many, many times since then, but this was the first time after I started my New Year's Resolution.

This seems like such a little thing... especially now. But I doubt I would be doing the things I'm doing now without starting small. Do something small, build that confidence and before you know it, you are doing the impossible.

"Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." ~St. Francis of Assisi

No Boundaries

My neighbors were robbed at gunpoint last night around 9pm in the parking lot in front of our building. Not only did this happen so close to me, but I'm usually getting back from teaching a class around 9pm on Tuesday nights. That could have easily been me.

Am I scared? Not a bit - more cautious though. I feel bad for my neighbors and did everything I could for them. But scared for myself? No. I recognize how scary it was and how close it happened to me, but my brain now recognizes that having such a fear is pointless.

Instead, I went to the office at my apartment complex today and asked what could be done. We're setting up a neighborhood watch in the complex, maybe one in each building. The manager said the people in my building already look out for one another, but I think we need to take it up a notch. We need to get to know one another and it'll be easier to tell when a stranger is walking around. Plus, it's just good for social interaction anyways.

After talking with the manager, I headed home and reflected (quite amused, I might add) about how I've really lost my mind. Next thing I know, I'll be running around the complex in my Supergirl outfit, like these people.

This isn't like me. Although, since I started the "Do One Thing a Month that Scares Me" experiement as New Year's Resolution in January of 2009, not much surprises me anymore. When I was a kid, I was scared of EVERYTHING, even my own shadow. My mom said that once and I'm not kidding when I say it really did describe me.

I was scared of dogs. I was scared of fast movement. I was scared of talking on the phone. I was scared of the dark.  I ran from doctors and fainted at the sight of blood. My mom didn't show me scary movies because I'd get terrible nightmares from watching them. I couldn't ride on roller coasters because I'd get motion sickness. And the list goes on and on.

As I grew up, I was always determined not to let these stupid "fears" hold me back. It wasn't easy - for talking on the phone, I had to write down my conversations ahead of time. And no, I'm not joking. I was sooo afraid of messing up what I wanted to say and was embarrassed by it. I'd frequently trip over words or combine words or some nonsense like that. After much practice with talking with a 'script' (and realizing how annoying it was to change said script when the person on the other end of the phone wouldn't follow it), I felt a bit better about using the phone. I also realized that everyone flubs up words and it's not such a big deal. If anything, it ends up giving everyone a chuckle.

The mere sound of a dog barking a mile away would cause me to climb up the nearest thing to me - whether that was a tree, a car or a person. I'd run, scream and just generally have a panic attack/fit when one came near me. I was 21 and not as fearful, but still very, very nervous around dogs. I went to a pet store and was handed a cute little pomerainian puppy. He seemed so helpless and wasn't scary at all. I held him and he slept on me. I feel hopelessly in love with him and ever since then, my head turns towards the sound of a dog barking. I run towards it so I can find the puppy and play with him. I didn't end up adopting that puppy at the pet shop that day, but I did end up adopting another dog shortly after - my Nikki. She's a bit bigger than a Pom, but she's my Partner-in-Crime. I'm thankful for each day with her and tell her how lucky I am to have her. I wasn't too sure about her at first, but we quickly warmed up to one another. I couldn't imagine my life any other way. She guards me (from dishwashers and balloons) and I protect her when there's a thunder storm. I'm not sure what I'd do without her in my life.

The fear of fast movement made learning to drive quite a challenge. I hated it. There were many fights with my parents, which included lots of yelling and crying. I didn't end up getting my license until I was 18 years old. I finally got the hang of it when I stopped picturing myself and the car as seperate entities. I could manage much better picturing the car and the road as an extension of me.

These were all things that happened before I made my resolution. Come January of 2009, I decided that I deserved better for myself and wanted to work on my confidence issues, among other things. At the time, I didn't connect (lack of) confidence with fears. I had many resolutions - one to become more confident, the other to do one thing a month that scared me. Now this very resolution alone scared me, so I made a disclaimer - the one thing that scared me was something that could not hurt me. Figured that was a good place to start. It made it easier to take that first step. So that ensured that the scary thing was nothing wild like jumping out of a plane, but just little things.

It's one of THE best things I've ever done for myself. I wish I had kept better track of everything I did, so I was able to share all of them., but I didn't I honestly had no idea it would become as big as it did. I was so pleased with the results that I made it my resolution again for 2010... and again for 2011.

Now, I kept pushing that limit. No longer is there a stipulation that I only do things that can't hurt me. I mean, I don't go out and jump in front of a car or anything, but have done things in which some amount of risk was involved. Plus, when I started, it was sooo hard to do one 'scary' thing a month. Sometimes the month was ending and I realized I hadn't done anything yet. It was like cramming for a test, but still a good motivation. Now I've lost track of how many times I've done something 'scary' within the time period of a month. And lately, it's been basically every weekend.

One thing you learn about conquering your fears - it's addictive. It just gives you such a boost to your self-confidence and people just look at you in complete awe. You start by craving that and before long, you thrive on it. You accomplish something, ride that high for awhile and then wait to try something else after you come down. After awhile. once a month just isn't enough. You don't want to wait to come down before trying something else. You want to stay in an elevated mode all the time.

So 2011 was a turning point for me. I had been on fear "training wheels" for two years, per se. 2009 didn't involve any risk (unless you count the risk of growing outside my circle). I quickly learned that nothing was as bad as it seemed. Not only did I end up learning something new (if only about myself), it was quite enjoyable, too. Plus, I had a 100% success rate - EVERY thing I did resulted in success, even if it was the success that I had set out to achieve. 2010 involved a little bit of risk - I found out that I had to have sinus surgery. But I comforted by the fact that I had built up a year before of facing my fears and was prepared for it. 2011 started with doing the things I never thought I could do, but always wanted to do.

I started a 'bucket list' of sorts of things I've always wanted to do but haven't done yet. It didn't matter what they were or how much they cost or the likihood of ever accomplishing them. And it didn't only include things I was afraid of - that list was quickly growing shorter and shorter. It included some really BIG things that require a lot of preparation and some other things that all I needed to do was to walk out my door.

All of this from making that New Year's Resolution back in the end of 2008. All of this from just waking up one day and deciding that I deserved better for myself. That's really all it took - a new mindset and the willingness to take that first step.

My cousin, Wendy, once said "Fear keeps us where we are". And the first step in getting rid of fears is just a willingness to move where we let fear keep us so long.