Rule #5 - Hands up! Let go!

This rule seems pretty self-explanatory, but it's important to realize that you cannot conquer a fear just by doing it. You must also be ready to let go of that fear. Sure, doing it regardless of being afraid IS the first step, but you will never, ever let it go completely until you are ready.

I had always been afraid of roller coasters. I hated the feeling that I might fall out and I hated the feeling of my stomach going up to my throat. Plus, I had motion sickness. Motion sickness and roller coasters aren't a good mix. Never could see how these crazy people liked the feeling of being tossed up, around, over and under, like a piece of laundry in the dryer. However, as I got older, they intrigued me a little bit. I really liked how the Superman ride at Six Flags Over Georgia (SFOG) could simulate what it was like to fly.

I went to Six Flags with some friends and a crush of mine when I was 16/17. I REFUSED to ride any coasters, besides the Mine Train, and of course, all they wanted to ride were coasters. My crush was tired of me not having any fun, so he picked me up, carried me over his shoulder to ride the Scream Machine. I stood in line, watching this monstrosity with wide eyes and counted how many seconds that first drop was. Just 5 seconds; not so bad. I could handle 5 seconds. We got into the car and I pulled the seatbelt as tight as it could go. The ride up the first hill was torture. I just watched us climb higher and higher and felt the car tip at the top of the hill. I screamed, "I HATE YOU, BILLY!!!!" as we plummeted and counted - "onetwothreefourfive". I opened my eyes and we were only halfway through with the first hill. Towards the end, it actually got kind of fun with the bunny hops. Poor guy next to me couldn't hear for the rest of the day because of my screams. After that, I would ride the Scream Machine, since I had been on it once and survived, but I didn't like it and was still afraid of coasters. Perfect example how you can continue to do something, yet be afraid. I wasn't ready to get over the fear and that's okay.

After my sinus surgery, the doctor told me that I wasn't able to go swimming, flying or riding upside on roller coasters for 3 months post-op. No problem - I hated roller coasters, usually only flew in December when I visited my parents for Christmas and it was April - still a little cold for swimming. Ironically enough, I took his words to heart and ended up doing all three... just because I could. In July of that year, I bought a season pass to White Water and went every weekend until they closed for fall. A year later, I rode all of the roller coasters at SFOG. A month after that, I took my first ever flight lesson. Odd how things end up, huh? Life's cool like that sometimes.

Anyways, back to roller coasters. It had danced in my head ever since I started the resolution to do things I was afraid of, but couldn't make myself act on it. My palms sweated at the very mention of them. After the doctor brought it up, I thought "why not?". I ended up planning a celebration for getting well again at SFOG to celebrate. Between scheduling and other delays (yes, I even admit chickening out), it kept getting put off until their season was over. I was determined not to let the next season pass without conquering this.

I set a date on my calendar. It wasn't set in stone, as schedules can and do change, but it became more physical at that point. It became more of a reality. It was something I could work towards and prepare myself for. It sounds silly, but one of the things I'd do was go on YouTube and watch videos of the coasters I had planned to ride. And yes, at first, it wasn't my plan to ride them all. I had picked 4 I wanted to conquer - Cyclone, Mindbender, Batman and Superman. It made the goal seem so much easier. The videos made my heart race and my palms sweaty, but I played them over and over and over until I knew every twist and turn of them.

I also had motion sickness to deal with, so I armed myself with ginger ale and non-drowsy Dramamine. The plan was to take one pill of Dramamine, and another one in my pocket if I needed it. I'd take two maximum this time, go down to one the next two trips and then finally none at all. I figured that by doing so, I could trick my body into thinking that I didn't have motion sickness.

Finally the big day arrived. I was excited to get this fear out of my system. As one friend remarked, "How funny would it be to go from being afraid to turning a 180 to becoming a roller coaster enthusiast?". I laughed at the irony. He was joking, but at the same time, said he was somewhat serious. He had a feeling I'd love them.

We got to the park. As we drove into the parking lot, the Batman ride loomed over us. My stomach sank into my shoes. What have I done? Could I really do this? Youtube was one thing, but these coasters are monstrous! What if I throw up in front of my friends? What if I don't make it through my goal?

My two friends and I stood in the parking lot, applying sunscreen. I watched some of the rides that I was able to see from that point and felt the roar of the coaster train in my very bones. I laughed, saying how the roar of the coaster sounded much like the roar of a F-18 jet. One of my friends jumped up and down, all excited, because he was sure that was a sign I'd like roller coasters because of my love for airplanes. We walked towards the front gates, passing two other coasters on the way. With each step I took, I kept thinking, "What have I done?". I wanted to turn back. My palms sweated and my heart raced. There was no way I could do this. Those monster coasters were HUGE and dwarfed me in comparison. I thought about my goal. I thought about how I wanted to get over my fear. I thought about how maybe my friend was right and I'd become a roller coaster enthusiast. My friends had already said that they wouldn't care if I got sick to my stomach and more than likely, it wouldn't happen. I felt a bit better, and marched towards the gates, questioning my sanity all along the way. I thought about how good I'd feel once I conquered my goal.

We entered the gates. The plan of action was to start small - we'd begin with the Cyclone. No loops, just hills. I thought I could handle that. Although my palms did not stop sweating the entire time I was in line. I watched car after car go through the tracks with wide eyes. That hill looked much smaller on Youtube and still didn't even seem all that small on there. I must be crazy, I must be out of my mind. I tried to refocus, I tried thinking about how this is something I wanted to do, something I wanted to conquer. Besides, if I didn't like it, all I needed to do was hold on and then I'd have 3 more coasters to go after this. That didn't seem so bad. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. All I need to do is sit there and hold on; the coaster does the rest.

Finally it was our turn. I shook getting into the train and did breathing exercises as we slowly inched our way up the first hill. Omigod,omigod, the drop is coming, thedropiscoming!!!! I struggled to hold onto the bar in front of me, but was difficult as my sweaty hands had made it slippery. Did I mention we were riding in the first row? We reached the top of the hill and overlooked the drop. I repositioned my hands into a deathgrip that only a crowbar could remove, and squeezed by eyes shut. As we plummeted, I let loose a scream that someone could easily mistake for a warning siren. I actually had many of those screams, but began to relax a little as the ride wore down (and consequently as the drops got shallower and shallower as well). I got off a little bruised and battered, as Cyclone's an old wooden coaster. It knocks you around quite a bit. I was still shaking and not liking coasters anymore than I arrived. I was pleased I had gone through with it (and kept my lunch!), but was disappointed that I was not in love with the coasters.

Next on the list was the Mindbender. It would be my first upside down coaster EVER. I was a little bit excited and wondering if the adrenaline rush would kick in for this one. We were seated in the first row again and I'll admit I shook a little going up the first hill, although tried to focus on my breathing. We came around the bend and went into the drop, which would go into the first loop. I did my best impression of the siren again on the way down and all through the ride in fact. The loop was so quick, that I barely had time to register that I was indeed upside down and had no idea how high we went. We zoomed through and did our next loop. Something began to stir within me. Those loops. Feeling those G's. The adrenaline. Oh, the adrenaline coursing through my veins! The train came to an abrupt stop and I bounced out. I was still shaking, but with a smile on my face! I had done it! I was two for two, with two left to go, and had really enjoyed this coaster.


Conquering the Mindbender!!

We made our way to Superman: Ultimate Flight. I knew I was ready to feel the sensation of flying! But on the way there, one of my friends stopped in front of the Ninja. Nuh uh - No way, no how. This one was not on my list and there was NO WAY I was ready for a coaster like this one after just going on my first upside down coaster. I stood and watched it glide smoothly across the track. But maybe it was like the last one - I just needed to hold on and scream...

So onwards we went to conquer the Ninja. We slipped into the first car and the harnesses came down. It was a bit disconcerting because the harness wouldn't come down all the way. I had about 3 inches of daylight between my shoulder and the harness. Oh well, no big deal, right? WRONG. Ninja karate chopped my little rear-end and tossed me every which way. I stumbled off of that ride, coming close to tossing my cookies and had to take another Dramamine. We had to take a break for lunch. I figured with maybe a little walking around and getting re hydrated might help. It did.

Afterwards, we went on to see if I was David enough to conquer Goliath. I shook while standing in line. Before my little venture, I had watched this online on Youtube. The first drop seemed pretty bad, but it looked fun after that. It seemed MUCH bigger walking up to it though. Didn't help that the restraints on it were next to nothing. I HATED it! Darn restraint wouldn't come down all the way, so I got TONS of airtime, which I HATED. I shook like a leaf in a hurricane coming off of the ride, but regardless, I still had finished it. Two coasters remaining.

Next stop: Superman. My favorite by far. I loved it just like I thought I would and perhaps even a little more. It also produced one of my favorite pictures ever. I'm clinging on for dear life with my mouth open like a brook trout, screaming my lungs out. However, I see the traces of a smile in there, too, so I think it was a scream of fun.

Superman really did make me feel like I was flying and I got a HUGE shot of adrenaline. I bounced off that ride with a crazed look in my eyes, knowing then and there that I had fallen for roller coasters! The rush of adrenaline was better than any amount of fear. That's the key that I've mentioned before - you just need to find something you love and once that love fills up, there will be no room left for fear!

I was also excited at this point because we just had ONE more coaster to go and I hadn't gotten sick! Just one more and I would have accomplished my goal! That in itself it a pretty big deal.

The sun was setting and the park was about to close, so we ran to get to Batman in time. We were getting seated in the car when it hit park closing time. I couldn't see where we were going, as it was pitch black outside (and consequently I wasn't wearing my glasses), but I was still riding off my high from Superman and knowing that I would complete my goal that day.

I was tired, exhausted, and my hair was an absolute mess, but I did it! I conquered the coasters at Six Flags!!! There was only one that remained that I didn't ride that day. And as I rationalized it, it would be a shame to have only one coaster that I had no conquered, right?

So, I went on to do just that. I bought myself a Season Pass and went back again to conquer the GA Scorcher. I knew I had to do it soon because my record of conquering all of the coasters would vanish, as they were adding the Daredevil Dive. The GA Scorcher was a stand-up coaster and I wasn't too sure about it, but it was like all the rest - just hold on and scream. Plus, I found once I got on, that there was a bicycle seat you could kind of sit on, so I did. The restraint was a harness with a seat belt to hold it down, just in case. The train took off and with each loop, I would go forwards and backwards. So much so that I felt like I was going to fall out. My screams were blood-curdling. I hated that ride.

It wasn't until I rode it a second time on a later visit that I learned what happened the first time. Seems that the harness didn't lock into place and was ONLY held on by the safety belt. Kinda freaky, huh? The second time I rode the Scorcher, I didn't move an inch.

The time I went back to ride the Scorcher, some of the boys that were with me wanted to ride Goliath. Now, you remember my last experience with it and I wasn't too pleased. I really never wanted to see that ride again. But at this point, I had conquered all of the rides and couldn't back out. It'd be okay, just hold on and scream. It'll be over with soon.

I started shaking while going up the hill, although I was able to appreciate the heights this time and enjoyed the view of Atlanta while going up the hill. While shaking, I had a conversation with myself and it went like this:

"Heather, what are you so afraid of?"

"The drop. I hate the feeling of dropping when we plummet down a hill."

There was a pause and I could see myself smirking in my mind's eye.

"Hate to break it to ya, but you ARE going to go down that hill."

Odd, but I hadn't thought about that. Okay, point taken. No need to be afraid of something that was inevitable.

"What else are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of getting airtime. These restraints were built for a bigger person than me. I always get airtime and feel like I'm going to fall off."

"Again, let me reassure you: you ARE going to get airtime. No need to be afraid. It's going to happen."

Somehow knowing something was bound to happen actually did reassure me rather than wasting energy by being afraid that it would happen.

My rational side continued: "Do me a favor and wiggle the restraint"

I tried and it wouldn't budge.

"So even if you are going to move around and get airtime, that restraint isn't going anywhere. It's locked. So let go, no need for you to hold on. Hands up and enjoy the ride."

We had reached the top of the hill and my thoughts made sense. I took a deep breath, released it and shot my hands up in the air. We did drop, just like I thought we would. And I did get airtime, just like I thought I would. But this time, something had changed - The drop and the airtime were euphoric and I felt free. It was uncomfy to muckle on with dear life when nothing I could have done would prevent that drop or prevent me from getting airtime. Instead, in that moment of going up the hill, I learned that it was better to let go and go with the flow. Quite a nice analogy for life as well- "Hands up! Let go!".

Adrenaline came rushing back to me and I bounced off that ride like I was reborn. To this day, Goliath is my second favorite coaster at SFOG, tied with Mindbender.

Finally, Daredevil Dive opened up on May 31, 2011. It was the first EuroFighter coaster and I wasn't thrilled about that drop. 100ft, 95 degree angle. But it was the only one left in the park that I hadn't ridden on. I couldn't let one dinky coaster ruin my record. But geez, did my legs shake when I stood before it and looked up:

I tried staying in the present and not worrying about this coaster just yet. I built up more time on the other coasters. I was especially nervous this time because it was my first time at the park going without any Dramamine. On the way to the park, I held the bottle in my hand and was turning it over nervously. One turn, I noticed the expiration date on the bottom and noticed it was a few years past that date. It occurred to me that perhaps the medicine wasn't working as well as I thought it was all along and it had been (mostly) me who controlled my own motion sickness. So I didn't take one this time.

Finally, it was time to go to the Daredevil. Just hold on and scream, that's all I need to do.

Well, surprise - the line was so long that we were only able to get an arm stamp with our time to ride on it. We went up about noon and the time stamp was for 7pm. 7 hours, I can do this. That's enough time.

7pm rolled around and I almost didn't want to get on the ride. So what if I didn't ride all of the coasters? That's a HUGE drop!!! With barely a restraint to hold you in the seat! But the whole day had been a disappointment - all of the adrenaline rushes I used to get on coasters had gone away. My body was getting used to them and the only cure was to go on a coaster I hadn't experienced yet. Hmm...adrenaline rush might be worth it...

We stood in line and I was shaking in my boots. I can do this, I can do this. We got into the car and I was happy that the restraint was more than it looked, but my heart was beating out of my chest and I was trying to remember how to breathe.

I must say it was interesting going up that sharp incline. All you could see was the blue sky and it was quite peaceful. I closed my eyes the higher we got because I knew what was coming next. it gave a false sense of security when I felt the car even out on top of the hill. I couldn't even open my eyes and I just kept thinking, "ohgodohgodohgod". We sat up there for an ungodly amount of time and I just wanted it to get it over with already. Finally, we pitched down and we were off and flying. I barely felt the drop down and I maintain that the 200ft, 60 degree drop from Goliath was worse. The rest of the ride was fantastic and I bounced off of that ride like a gerbil on speed. It was blissful.

So that's basically how a chicken became a roller coaster enthusiast. Turns out my friend was right all along. Any time any of my friends think of coasters, they think of me. Me. The chicken that had to be fireman-carried over someone's shoulder, kicking & screaming onto the Scream Machine. Me. It seemed so odd at first. Although now, riding roller coasters is one of my favorite things to do and I wouldn't have never known how much I'd love them unless I had taken a chance and stepped out of my comfort zone.

Rule #4 - "You will never know unless you try"

'To strive, to think, to find and not to yield.'

"I've been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I think what it says is that while it's tempting to play it safe, the more we are willing to risk the more alive we are. In the end what we regret more are the chances we never took."

The first line is from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson. The paragraph referring to it was a quote I heard on the final episode of Frasier. To me, I think the Tennyson quote sums up the meaning of life quite nicely, although Frasier's quote also articulates my adventures yesterday quite nicely.

My friend Jen and I "ran" the Zombie 5k yesterday. I say "ran" because the whole course was full of mud, so not much running was had. It was also full of zombies and obstacles. The race was easily comparable to the marathon I ran 11 years ago: tough as nails, designed to mess with your head and brings you to the point of utter exhaustion, so much so that you don't have enough energy to have a sense of accomplishment. We had the worst time in the history of 5k's and never really want to see mud ever again, but we had fun.

This falls into the realm of 'fear conquering' because I was quite nervous before the race. I had thought one of the obstacles would have been:

And although that wasn't apart of this particular course, this was:

Although, I remember it being MUCH taller than the one pictured. Could be because I ran without my glasses. Could be because I'm afraid of heights. Either way, I made it over and am the most proud of making it over something like this. I climbed up okay and then sat on the top, not wanting to leave. It took my friend and some strangers telling me where to put my feet in order for me to come back down. I had to lay down on the bar on the top, muckle (spell check tells me this isn't a word. It means "to hold onto for dear life") onto it like it was a stuffed animal and swing my legs over. The point is that I made it over; fear be damned.

The quote I posted in the beginning of this entry struck a chord with me because as much as I was miserable yesterday, as much as I hurt today, as much as I never want to have that experience ever again, life is about taking chances and trying new things. It was highly uncomfortable and tested my determination to the limits... and beyond, yet I finished anyway. I can say that I feel very alive today and as I think back about all of the amazing experiences I've had lately, I think about just how amazing life is. It's about trying new things and stepping out of your comfort zone. Now you don't have to run around in the mud in order to step out of your comfort zone. That, I think, takes a little bit of insanity as well! (joking...mostly). But if I hadn't stepped out of my comfort zone, I wouldn't have gotten to know myself, I wouldn't have felt like I got to experience life to fullest, and I wouldn't have found some things that I really love.

Now I can say I don't love (or even remotely like) mud races and I will probably never do one again. That's okay! You don't have to love every new thing you do - just as long as you took the initiative to try it. But you will never know until you try. (That last line courtesy of my Dad, who used to tell me that all the time growing up. Thanks Dad!)

I never thought I'd like hockey until I went to a game. I thought I hated roller coasters until I rode them. I never thought I could fly a plane until I did it. I never thought I could be co-ordinated enough to do ballet and would fall over if I ever tried. A year later of ballet lessons, and I haven't fallen once. These four things I not only found out I liked, but I love them and they are apart of me I never knew was there.

 And I never would have known just what was missing from my life unless I had tried first. Sometimes in life, you serendipitously fall ass-backwards into things. Sometimes things just fall into your lap. But the best things - I am learning now - are the things that you took the initiative and courage to chase after and follow, just to see how far down the rabbit hole goes.

Rule #3 - All of you need is 20 seconds of courage

Over the Christmas break in 2011, I saw a cute movie with my parents - "We Bought a Zoo". Cute, cute movie. In it, there was a quote that stuck to me - "All you need is 20 seconds of courage" and it's quite true. Things may seem intimidating and daunting, but all you need to do is to be able to take that first step. Trust me when I tell you that is that hardest part. It always was for me. Don't worry - it gets easier.

You'd never know it from being around me, but I can be shy. When it comes to expressing feelings or telling someone I like them, I'm usually pretty silent about it. Better to suffer in silence than risk rejection. I never really asked anyone out before; usually let them do the asking. Needless to say that hasn't worked out too well for me and I decided if I ever wanted things to be different, then I needed to make a change.

Embarassing to admit, but my "Do one thing a month that scares me" resolution was inspired by a guy I liked. He was just so bold and fearless that I thought there was no way he would ever be interested in a shy, scared little girl like me It started that way, but fortunately evolved into a project just to improve me... for me, which turned out to be good in the end.

 He was tall, dark and handsome. He was outgoing, friendly and treated everyone like they were his best friend. It was odd - I sat right next to him most days and we had a brother/sister pick-on-one-another type relationship, yet I felt invisible when I was around him. He never ignored me, but would flirt with every other girl except for me. I even dressed up more around him and started actually acting like a girl (which is a BIG deal for a tomboy, let me tell ya). Nada. Must have been the most oblivious guy on the planet, and I truely mean that in the nicest way possible.  :)

He ended up leaving shortly after we met, but we kept in contact and are still friends. I never did end up telling him how I felt about him at the time. I tried before he left and my courage left me. I saw him about a year and half after that. We ate lunch together and had a fantastic conversation for 40 minutes straight, talking about anything and everything, just like he had never left. I tried to tell him when he left then, but everything was too perfect and I was scared he'd never talk to me like that again. The thought of losing his friendship scared me and it was worth staying silent about my feelings, no matter how much it hurt. To have him in my life in any way possible was better than not at all.

I'd write "like" letters from time to time, intending to send them (or not), but they never sounded good enough. I must have written 5 or so and deleted them all. I began to realize that there would never be a "perfect" one, as there was no such thing. One evening, the evening as the snow was falling last year to mark the start of Snowapalooza 2011, I stopped trying to write the "perfect" letter and lo and behold, it had become the best one I had written to date. As cliche as it sounds, I just wrote from my heart. I wrote a letter like I would have liked to receive.

I sat up until 2am that night, going back and forth about if I could really send it. I was chatting with a friend at the time and he said there was nothing to think about - to just close my eyes, hit send and all of this torment would be over. And this brings me back to my original point - all you need is 20 seconds of courage. Actually, all you really need is one second. That's all it really takes. I positioned my mouse over the "send" button, closed my eyes, held my breath and hit send. I slept that night more peacefully than I had in a long time. It sounds odd, but as I slept, I could feel a change in me. It was as if the peaceful feeling coursed through my veins and bonded with my DNA. I seriously felt wings on my back that night, as crazy as that sounds. (ha, ironic to think that later that month, I would take my first trip in a helicopter and later take flying lessons that year. Wings indeed, and actually not all that crazy afterall.) I think I was so at peace because (at that moment anyways) that no matter what happened, I knew that I was able to do something that I never thought I could do. I did something that up until that point had been one of the scariest things I could EVER imagine... and I did it. How cool was that?!?! I told that myself that no matter the outcome, that I has succeeded because I pushed past that fear. I couldn't control what another person did, but I could control my feelings and how I viewed things. I told myself (over and over and over and over...it wasn't easy) to drop all expectations, to not even expect a response. I sent the letter and it had done its job. I didn't need a response (although it would have been a nice bonus) to validate it. He did up responding and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he said he did admire my initiative. No matter how much I tried to convince myself at the time, I still viewed it as a failure. It's amazing how much perspective you get in a year. I no longer view it as a failure; it was anything but! Everything seemed to snowball after that. It gave me momenturm for stepping out of my comfort zone further. Who knows if I'd be flying a plane now if that hadn't happened? 2011 became the year of taking the intiative.

I only mention this occasion because it marked the first time I had done something where a risk was involved. Remember that when I began my "do one thing a month that scares me", I had added the disclaimer that it couldn't be something that would hurt me. 2011 marked when I let go of that caviat. I figured if I could do this, then I could do anything. Now, roller coaster riding and flying planes carries almost no risk at all, but still it carries a higher risk than the In The Dark exhibit, for instance.

My friends couldn't believe what I had done. I didn't tell many, but those I did were absolutely floored. I'm not kidding when I say that their mouths dropped to the floor in shock. Was probably one of the first times, come to think of it, that people started saying "Omigosh, YOU did WHAT?!?!". I was on top of the world and those that knew treated me like a celebrity for a bit. Even the not so shy ones said they could not have done what I did. That's what fear conquering does to you - it makes you feel on top of the world and you get momentum to go onto the next thing to see what else you can conquer.

If I couldn't go after what I wanted, then I didn't deserve it in the first place. If I didn't have the courage to ask to find the answers to the questions I had, then the answer would always be an automatic NO. If I didn't take the initiative to step forward, then I'd forever be stuck where I was and being stuck in your comfort zone can be a very uncomfortable place to be. Matt Damon's character in the movie says, "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I PROMISE you that something good will come of it", and it's quite true. It may not be what you hoped, it may not be what you imagined, but something good WILL come of it. I've got a 100% success rate from my fear conquering. Where else in life can you find those odds?

Rule #2 - Love Conquers All Fear

The biggest thing I have discovered in all of this was that love is the secret to conquering fears. In the last entry, I wrote about my experiences in the dark and looking at dead bodies. My love for knowledge and wanting to learn propelled me to go through with it. Had I not had an interest, then I very well may not have made it through.

I wrote about my dog, Nikki, in the first entry. My love for her definitely helped me get over my fear of dogs.

I discovered that love was answer early on in my experiment, but I didn't realize until more recently that there was a certain kind of love was the strongest in combating fear -the love of oneself. Loving the subject matter or the activity certainly helps, but having the confidence to trust yourself to be strong enough to get through something and to be able to do anything you put your mind to will cause you to soar to new heights.

And if you think about it, that's EXACTLY what fear is - lack of trust, lack of confidence, lack of love. Mainly with yourself. But it goes without saying that if you lack those things with yourself, then you will probably lack them with other people, too. Love yourself and you will shine through the darkness of fear.

It hit me one day, suddenly. I was having a fantastic day doing some sort of fear conquering. I came home, exhausted and drained, but happy. I was just soo over the moon with happiness and was being giggly silly. Happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I looked so happy and just positively goofy, which made me laugh and say out loud to myself: "I love you". I was taken aback at first - what an odd thing to say to yourself, but it was true... I don't think I've ever said that to myself before that. But it was true.

Shortly after that, I realized that believing in myself and that love for myself would get me through anything. Hard to hold fear in your heart when it is overflowing with love.

I've always been intrigued by high ropes courses. I think we took a field trip to one when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I sat and watched other kids go up on these ropes and walk wayyyyyyy up high. And I DID try to do it... really, I did. But just chickened out. Saw the high ropes course at Stone Mountain a few years ago. It looked interesting, but my knees started to shake and I was unable to move.

In the beginning of 2011, I made a list of the remaining fears I wanted to conquer. Fear of Heights was one of them. I made a trip back to that high ropes course at Stone Mountain to conquer it. There were 3 levels to it - beginner, intermediate, advanced. I told myself that I just needed to clear the first level (Rule #1 - start small). I got suited up with a harness (a kid's one due to my size!!) and made my way onto the course. My knees shook, I thought about turning back around. The little girl next to me burst into tears and they had to help her down. I felt the same way inside. And I was indeed nearly that little girl.

I nearly didn't make it past the first bridge, let alone the first level. I was scared out of my mind. My palms sweated, my knees shook. It took a lot of trying to psyche myself up to take that first step. And it was so draining having to do that the first few bridges. One of the workers there had to help me across one. A parent was there with her kid and she was frozen like I was. We cheered each other on. I remembered what I learned about loving myself. I tugged on the harness - it wasn't going anywhere. This whole thing might have looked dangerous, but it was a controlled danger. Almost no risk at all. I wasn't going to get hurt. Besides, this is what I came here for. Think of that amazing feeling at the end - the feeling of accomplishment and doing something I didn't think I could ever do.

Two bridges left and I was getting a momentum. This wasn't as bad as I thought. Just gotta begin with a single step. Must have mind and body in sync. Need the right mindset to take that first step and need the body to keep itself moving. I finally made it to the end of the first level. We had the option of going onto the 2nd level. Adrenaline was pumping. Let's go for it!

The second level was easier than the first. Not sure why. Maybe because it was further off the ground and easier for the mind to register that you weren't so high up (odd, I know). I wouldn't say I passed the second level with ease - after all, it was still a lot of work to make it through these bridge puzzles made of wood and rope. But I made it to the end of the second level. Also, up until this point, there were two pathways to choose on each one - one harder than the other. Sometimes I took the more challenging path, sometimes not. My main goal was just to make it through.

One level left to go - the advanced. The 3rd level. Would be such a shame to make it this far and tell everyone that I stopped here. Up I go! Now the 3rd level had no choice. You needed to make it through each puzzle to get to the end. I made it this far; I can do this! I was an old hat at this now.

At the end of the course, then was one final "bridge". All of the rest of them had wooden walkways beneath them as an added support. The final bridge consisted of ropes only - 5 rope swings dangled from the support above.

I watched a few people (and little kids!) go across. The trick seemed to get both feet into the swing with even weight distribution and use their weight to swing to the next rope swing. I took a deep breath and decided to go for it. The first rope swing was just an uncomfortable distance out of reach and the first step down was wayyy below the platform I was comfortably perched on. I had planned to take one step, center myself and place the next foot. However, after placing one foot, it was difficult to place the other and that damn swing kept going back and forth. No stability here. Half of me was on the swing, the other half still on the platform. My heart raced and I retreated for the safety of the platform, having to have someone drag me back up there because I was dangling.

I let a father and his son cross. Had to catch my breath and slow my heart rate down.I watched them get across, took a deep breath and tried again, trying two feet this time. I could only manage to get one foot on the rope, but I had intended two feet, so my other foot was in the air, throwing me off balance. I fell. I hung there for a minute and freaked out. I couldn't seem to get back into the rope swing or back on the platform.

Finally made it back to the platform, heart pounding and all. I just couldn't do it - I was too freaked out. There was an easier path out - the one I came in on. I asked if I could take that path. I was ashamed. Felt a little like I had failed. I tried thinking that I made it further than I had intended, so it was still a win in that sense and came REALLY far considering I didn't even think I'd make it past the first challenge.

I walked down and removed my harness. There, I was greeted by an unexpected surprise. A woman stepped in front of me and says "I was watching you".

I blinked and was taken a bit aback. Who was this woman and why was she watching me? She continued: "I didn't think you'd make it past the first level, being as scared as you were, but there you were at the top level. I couldn't believe it." 

And then it hit me, this was the mother I met on the first level. The one who was as scared as I was. I smiled and asked her if she made it through. "No way, I finished the first level and that was enough for me. I came down and saw you up there. I couldn't believe it, so I had to watch to see if you would make it through."

I was so touched by this, but had to admit to her that unfortunately I didn't make it all the way through. But she knew - she had watched that, too. She was impressed I had kept trying though. Said her boys made it all the way through and said that rope swing one was the hardest one up there. She just kept praising me for keeping going and getting up that high. I felt a bit brighter. That was the stroke that my ego needed.

So I made not have made it, but rest assured Stone Mountain High Ropes Course, I will go back one day and complete the entire course.

"Rejoice and love yourself today, 'cuz baby, you were born this way!" - Lady Gaga

Rule #1 - Start small and build up your momentum

I may not remember all of the 'scary' things I did over the years, but the very first one still stands out in my memory - going to see the "Dialog in the Dark/Bodies" Exhibition.

I've had a fear of the dark ever since I could remember - I'd seriously freeze in place if the lights were shut off on me. I've attempted over the years to feel more comfortable in the dark, but wearing a blindfold and feeling my way around somewhere familiar, like my apartment. I had also mentioned in the previous post about my fainting at the sight of blood.

But I was curious to see this exhibition. The "Dialog in the Dark" was an interactive exhibit to show people what it was like to be blind. You walk through different simulated situations as though you were blind - in the pitch black, armed with only a guide (who is truly blind) and a walking stick. Quite an amazing experience.

The Bodies Exhibit was real bodies on display, showing off different parts of the body.

Now I was fascinated by both of these and wanted to see them, but was conflicted with trepidation. It was a traveling exhibit and wouldn't stay in my city for long. I had just made my resolution and needed something 'scary' to kick off the year. I knew it was a controlled environment and I knew it would not hurt me, just like my disclaimer in my resolution (Do scary things that will not hurt me).

Could I fall down in the dark? Yes, possibly. Would I faint at the sight of the bodies? Maybe. Could happen, yes. Likely? Maybe not. These 'what if' worrisome questions pop up to block you. You mind senses you are going through stress and wants to prevent you from going through it. The trick with overcoming fear is to tell yourself that such 'what if's' are pointless. Thank your brain for looking out for you, but know ultimately that you will be okay. Switch those worrisome "what if's" to positive "what if's" - "what if I actually enjoy this?". "What if I actually learn something from this?" or "What if I regret this if I never do it?"

That was one of the biggest questions I've used as my guide - "Will I regret this tomorrow if I don't take the opportunity now?". If the answer to that question is a resounding "YES!", then you need to go for it.

I remember being nervous on the way down there. A bit of nervous-worry and a bit of nervous-excitement. We had to take off any loose items (including glasses) and put them into a locker. I remember asking, "Glasses too? How am I supposed to see?", much to their enjoyment. We were handing walking sticks and got into line to go in. The butterflies were doing jumping jacks at this point. I really wanted to turn around. I had the thought in my head that I couldn't do this, but I told myself that I already bought the ticket and I COULD do this, that this would be fun. The doors opened and we walked in side. We took a seat into a dimly lit room and the lights started to go down. I'm sure I was sweating bullets.

I then did all I could do - take one step at a time. I think I had a death grip on that walking stick as I moved around. Then I heard my other group members and guide introduce themselves - I realized I was not alone. We were all in this together and perhaps they weren't as scared as I was, but we were all thrown into a situation that was unknown to us. This was unfamiliar to all of us and we kept bumping into one another. Embarrassing at first, but then you realize that no one did it on purpose and that we were all going to do it (multiple times!), so it didn't matter. Besides, you kind of made friends that way -
*BUMP!*
  "Oh...excuse me."
  "Oh, no problem. Hi, what's your name?"
"Heather. What's yours?"
"John. Nice to meet you, Heather."
"Nice to meet you too!"

And it would continue until you got up and personal with everyone in the group:
*BUMP!*
"Sorry!"
"It's okay. Oh, John, is that you?"
"Why yes it is! We need to stop meeting like this."

The atmosphere was light and joking. I'd say there were smiles all around, but I couldn't see. There was definitely laughter - and lots of it. Not at the beginning, mind you. At first, we were scared and clung to one another, but by the second or third room, we became quite comfortable and moved more around on our own. We began to play and explore.

The whole experience was less about appearances and more about getting to know someone under the surface. I think it was easier to "see" someone's true persona this way. It was a lot harder to hide who you were in the dark, oddly enough... I discovered lots of contradictions that day.

The second part of that day was the Bodies exhibit. It was so fascinating to see things that normally but doctors get to see. More interesting than any textbook. I do have to admit that I did have to sit down about halfway through. Was looking at the nerves and nervous system and felt a little queasy. But I'm not ashamed. I sat down for a few minutes and caught my breath before continuing through the end. I made it all the way through and learned a lot about myself in the process (and not just parts of the body and how to get by in the dark!).



And that's the best part about working through your fears - the feeling of doing something that you never thought you could do. It does wonders for your confidence and makes you feel on top of the world. I've experienced that feeling many, many times since then, but this was the first time after I started my New Year's Resolution.

This seems like such a little thing... especially now. But I doubt I would be doing the things I'm doing now without starting small. Do something small, build that confidence and before you know it, you are doing the impossible.

"Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." ~St. Francis of Assisi

No Boundaries

My neighbors were robbed at gunpoint last night around 9pm in the parking lot in front of our building. Not only did this happen so close to me, but I'm usually getting back from teaching a class around 9pm on Tuesday nights. That could have easily been me.

Am I scared? Not a bit - more cautious though. I feel bad for my neighbors and did everything I could for them. But scared for myself? No. I recognize how scary it was and how close it happened to me, but my brain now recognizes that having such a fear is pointless.

Instead, I went to the office at my apartment complex today and asked what could be done. We're setting up a neighborhood watch in the complex, maybe one in each building. The manager said the people in my building already look out for one another, but I think we need to take it up a notch. We need to get to know one another and it'll be easier to tell when a stranger is walking around. Plus, it's just good for social interaction anyways.

After talking with the manager, I headed home and reflected (quite amused, I might add) about how I've really lost my mind. Next thing I know, I'll be running around the complex in my Supergirl outfit, like these people.

This isn't like me. Although, since I started the "Do One Thing a Month that Scares Me" experiement as New Year's Resolution in January of 2009, not much surprises me anymore. When I was a kid, I was scared of EVERYTHING, even my own shadow. My mom said that once and I'm not kidding when I say it really did describe me.

I was scared of dogs. I was scared of fast movement. I was scared of talking on the phone. I was scared of the dark.  I ran from doctors and fainted at the sight of blood. My mom didn't show me scary movies because I'd get terrible nightmares from watching them. I couldn't ride on roller coasters because I'd get motion sickness. And the list goes on and on.

As I grew up, I was always determined not to let these stupid "fears" hold me back. It wasn't easy - for talking on the phone, I had to write down my conversations ahead of time. And no, I'm not joking. I was sooo afraid of messing up what I wanted to say and was embarrassed by it. I'd frequently trip over words or combine words or some nonsense like that. After much practice with talking with a 'script' (and realizing how annoying it was to change said script when the person on the other end of the phone wouldn't follow it), I felt a bit better about using the phone. I also realized that everyone flubs up words and it's not such a big deal. If anything, it ends up giving everyone a chuckle.

The mere sound of a dog barking a mile away would cause me to climb up the nearest thing to me - whether that was a tree, a car or a person. I'd run, scream and just generally have a panic attack/fit when one came near me. I was 21 and not as fearful, but still very, very nervous around dogs. I went to a pet store and was handed a cute little pomerainian puppy. He seemed so helpless and wasn't scary at all. I held him and he slept on me. I feel hopelessly in love with him and ever since then, my head turns towards the sound of a dog barking. I run towards it so I can find the puppy and play with him. I didn't end up adopting that puppy at the pet shop that day, but I did end up adopting another dog shortly after - my Nikki. She's a bit bigger than a Pom, but she's my Partner-in-Crime. I'm thankful for each day with her and tell her how lucky I am to have her. I wasn't too sure about her at first, but we quickly warmed up to one another. I couldn't imagine my life any other way. She guards me (from dishwashers and balloons) and I protect her when there's a thunder storm. I'm not sure what I'd do without her in my life.

The fear of fast movement made learning to drive quite a challenge. I hated it. There were many fights with my parents, which included lots of yelling and crying. I didn't end up getting my license until I was 18 years old. I finally got the hang of it when I stopped picturing myself and the car as seperate entities. I could manage much better picturing the car and the road as an extension of me.

These were all things that happened before I made my resolution. Come January of 2009, I decided that I deserved better for myself and wanted to work on my confidence issues, among other things. At the time, I didn't connect (lack of) confidence with fears. I had many resolutions - one to become more confident, the other to do one thing a month that scared me. Now this very resolution alone scared me, so I made a disclaimer - the one thing that scared me was something that could not hurt me. Figured that was a good place to start. It made it easier to take that first step. So that ensured that the scary thing was nothing wild like jumping out of a plane, but just little things.

It's one of THE best things I've ever done for myself. I wish I had kept better track of everything I did, so I was able to share all of them., but I didn't I honestly had no idea it would become as big as it did. I was so pleased with the results that I made it my resolution again for 2010... and again for 2011.

Now, I kept pushing that limit. No longer is there a stipulation that I only do things that can't hurt me. I mean, I don't go out and jump in front of a car or anything, but have done things in which some amount of risk was involved. Plus, when I started, it was sooo hard to do one 'scary' thing a month. Sometimes the month was ending and I realized I hadn't done anything yet. It was like cramming for a test, but still a good motivation. Now I've lost track of how many times I've done something 'scary' within the time period of a month. And lately, it's been basically every weekend.

One thing you learn about conquering your fears - it's addictive. It just gives you such a boost to your self-confidence and people just look at you in complete awe. You start by craving that and before long, you thrive on it. You accomplish something, ride that high for awhile and then wait to try something else after you come down. After awhile. once a month just isn't enough. You don't want to wait to come down before trying something else. You want to stay in an elevated mode all the time.

So 2011 was a turning point for me. I had been on fear "training wheels" for two years, per se. 2009 didn't involve any risk (unless you count the risk of growing outside my circle). I quickly learned that nothing was as bad as it seemed. Not only did I end up learning something new (if only about myself), it was quite enjoyable, too. Plus, I had a 100% success rate - EVERY thing I did resulted in success, even if it was the success that I had set out to achieve. 2010 involved a little bit of risk - I found out that I had to have sinus surgery. But I comforted by the fact that I had built up a year before of facing my fears and was prepared for it. 2011 started with doing the things I never thought I could do, but always wanted to do.

I started a 'bucket list' of sorts of things I've always wanted to do but haven't done yet. It didn't matter what they were or how much they cost or the likihood of ever accomplishing them. And it didn't only include things I was afraid of - that list was quickly growing shorter and shorter. It included some really BIG things that require a lot of preparation and some other things that all I needed to do was to walk out my door.

All of this from making that New Year's Resolution back in the end of 2008. All of this from just waking up one day and deciding that I deserved better for myself. That's really all it took - a new mindset and the willingness to take that first step.

My cousin, Wendy, once said "Fear keeps us where we are". And the first step in getting rid of fears is just a willingness to move where we let fear keep us so long.